Welcome to ShinraMart!
by joudama
Summary: When drabble challenges go horribly, horribly wrong. Welcome to the ShinraMart Convenience Store! AU, and pure, unadulterated CRACK.
1. The Graveyard Shift

The Graveyard Shift

It's not that it was the hours that were bad--they were, but still, you got used to it. It was the fact that it was boring. Graveyard shift in the middle of the week, you could go hours without seeing anyone. Except the boss, and really, that counted as not seeing anyone, as much as he talked. Graveyard shift, there were no gaggles of short-skirted high school girls to flirt with, no little kids trying to filch candy bars to glare at, no nothing. Aside from the crazies.

If Angeal had been on shift, they could have at least shot the breeze. And Genesis, well...yeah, Zack thought. Not much for conversation, but at least it wouldn't be so quiet, with him always reciting lines from a book like it was the greatest thing ever made. College boys, Zack thought with a faint grin and rolled eyes. Nope, neither one of those managers on shift, just the Great and Silent, Seph.

And really, it was a waste to have Seph on graveyard, Zack thought with a grin. Shoplifting went down to almost nothing when he was on shift. It'd take balls of steel to try and take something with that guy on duty.

The door jangled, and a little voice in Zack's head went "Oh, hallelujah!" at it. Finally, something was happening, and there was something for him to look at rather than at Seph staring out and not blinking. A twitchy-looking redhead came in, followed by some big bruiser, both of 'em in suits. From the looks of them, the redhead was probably on something, which made sense, this time of night. Renting?, Zack wondered. He looked the part, the way his clothes were, and hey, pretty as he was, he wouldn't be hurting for customers.

They wandered around the store, the redhead picking stuff up and putting it back, and the big guy with him occasionally murmuring something that made the twitchy one laugh. They finally settled on stuff, and the redhead headed straight over to where Seph was manning the register.

The "I hate my life" look crossed Seph's face, but Zack doubted the others knew that's what that look meant. "Ten dollars and fifty-eight cents," he said, voice flat.

"Well, ain't you got a sexy voice!" the redhead said, eyes going wide. He looked Seph up and down, and a smile crossed his face that Zack could tell promised trouble.

"...Here's your change," Seph finally said, holding out the change, and Zack remembered why the store kept putting Seph on graveyard--a people person he wasn't.

That was when the redhead reached out, bypassed the change, grabbed Seph by his uniform, pulled the shocked man over, and laid a huge kiss on him, complete with, what from Zack's angle, looked like tongue. "Keep it," he said, and grabbed his stuff, slinging an arm around the big guy and whistling as he went out.

Seph just stood there, jaw hanging open and looking violated. And still holding $9.42 in change. Until a dime dropped and rolled away.

Seph didn't move. At all.

The graveyard shift, Zack thought with a grin, really was, hands-down, the best shift some days.


	2. Smile!

Smile!

"Sephiroth," Lazard said, pushing his glasses up and giving Seph a friendly smile. "You are an excellent worker. Excellent. One of the best managers we've ever had."

"Thank you," Seph said, wondering how long this was going to take.

"And the amount of shoplifting has gone down to the lowest levels we've ever had at the store. And the number of armed robberies and attempts. We haven't had one since you stated working here. Really, it's quite impressive."

There had to be a "but" coming, there had to be.

And there it was. "But, there have been a few...complaints."

"About what, sir?"

Lazard smiled. "Nothing major. But in order to make a more welcoming, conducive to shopping environment, we need to put people at peace. And nothing does that like a bright, cheery smile and a boisterous, 'Welcome to ShinraMart!' when they come in."

Seph stared at him. "You want me to smile."

"Yes. Come, come, it's not like it's that hard," he said. "You do everything well, I'm sure this will be no problem," he finished, and went back to doing paperwork.

--

The first time was an unmitigated failure.

He'd tried. He had. He gritted his teeth, plastered a fake smile to his face, and yelled, "Welcome to ShinraMart!" at the first person to come in.

The woman had taken one look at him, whirled on her heel, and ran out.

"Not so many teeth, Seph," Zack said, fighting a grin.

--

The second time was an unqualified disaster.

'Not so many teeth,' Zack had said. So. Fewer teeth.

"Welcome to ShinraMart!" he said, lips pressed together tightly in a toothless smile.

The little boy took one look at his face and burst into tears.

"...A few more teeth, Seph," Zack said, fighting a wince. "We have _got_ to work on your people skills."

They really didn't pay him enough for this.


	3. Put It Back

Put It Back

The broom, that Seph had nicknamed "Masamune" and that no one ever asked why or, you know, dared to _touch_, came out so fast even Zack was shocked, and barred the exit.

Sephiroth _glared_. And _glared_.

"_Put it back_," he finally said.

The little boy looked at him, swallowed very, very hard, and went back to the candy aisle and took the candy bar out of his pocket and put it back on the shelf. Only then did Seph "sheathe" Masamune, and the kid ran for the hills.

Zack grinned and headed to the back, to the "Perps Scared Off" board they had in a box, and added another mark by Seph's name.

He grinned and wondered why Angeal and Genesis even tried any more.

--

It was rare that the general area manager came in, especially to a night shift. Still, Reeve was a pretty easy-going guy, and Zack was glad to have someone to shoot the shit with, as opposed to Seph, who shot the shit all of, well, _never_.

"So, why are you here tonight, sir?" Zack asked, watching Seph prowl the store.

Reeve grinned. "This store has the lowest shoplifting count of any store in the entire company, even though it's in such a high-crime area. Needless to say, President Shinra is thrilled, but wants to figure out what this store is doing that other stores aren't."

Zack snickered. "Unless ShinraMart finds a way to clone Seph, I don't think that'll work too well."

Just then, Masamune made his nightly appearance, and the junkie who had tried to filch some chips took one look at Seph's glare and followed Seph's orders to the letter.

He put it back.

Reeve watched that with wide eyes, and then got a little _smile_.

--

About three weeks later, the general manager, Lazard, opened a poster box that had come in from corporate. They got new posters from corporate all the time, so Angeal didn't pay it much mind. Then Lazard unrolled it and bit back a choked laugh, and Genesis peeped over. Then _cursed_.

"The new anti-shoplifting campaign poster," Lazard said, lips twitching up in a grin, and he unrolled the poster so Angeal could see it.

In big white letters, "SHOPLIFTERS!" was emblazened across the top.

Underneath it was Sephiroth's face, in what was his attempt at a smile--the smile that usually made people say "meep" and run out quickly, and had ultimately banished the man to the graveyard shift.

And underneath that were three simple words: Put it BACK.

And the flames, Angeal thought pragmatically, were a nice touch.


	4. One Stop Shopping

Title:

**Title:** "One-Stop Shopping"

**Author/Artist:** joudama

**Fandom:** FF7 AU Conbiniverse

**Rating:** G

**Warnings:** craaaaaaack

**Word count:** 690

**Summary:** TPTB decide that ShinraMart needs a jingle.

**A/N:** ...I sang this fucker to test it; it does indeed scan. XDDDDDDD And for those of you reading this on fanfiction-dot-net, the Jenova Cakes Incident was a fic written by a friend, so you'll have to check my livejournal or insanejournal for a link to it. Which you want to. Because it is delicious, delicious crack. And this was written for a drabble challenge on my ij. Also, thanks to laurentatl for the translations!

**Prompt:** Brainstorming the ShinraMart jingle

"One Stop Shopping"

"And on to other business," Scarlet said, sounding bored. "We've done some market research, and found that our old jingle, 'Shop at ShinraMart,' is scoring in the negatives. It doesn't seem to match the image we want. I was thinking we should roll out a new jingle with a new ad campaign. We should start ads that really show the force and power of ShinraMart as a shopping source."

"Hmm," President ShinRa said, looking thoughtful. "How are the new anti-shoplifting ads going?"

Scarlet flipped a few pages of her report. "Quite well, actually. Shoplifting is down slightly, although we _have _had problems with people stealing the posters. Which, if you think about it, really isn't so much of a problem, since it means people like them."

"Well, let's just sell the posters, then," the president said, shrugging. "That solves the problem right there."

"Maybe we could do a web-exclusive kind of thing," Reeve said, lighting up. "Increase traffic to our website as well."

"Good idea!" the president said, nodding. "Now, about the jingle..."

"Yes. Since the posters do so well, it seems that the 'dark, commanding' type of thing does well with our customers. It also projects the corporate image to killing the competition by showing us to be strong and commanding, and customers are loyal to strength. Our old jingle, well, it's a bit..." she trailed off before wrinkling her nose.

She pulled out a tape recorder and pushed play, letting the current jingle, a bouncy little song with a woman with a high-pitched voice singing "ShinraMart has it all! Lowest prices, best selection, ShinraMart has it all! For all your shopping needs, ShinraMart! ShinraMart!"

President ShinRa frowned. "That won't do at all! I want a new jingle and within a week! That, what, midi? Has got to go. The melody is all right and I do like the 'ShinraMart! ShinraMart!' part. Those can stay. We do need to keep some consistency from before. Show we're _evolving_, not just changing. Becoming larger, more robust, a force to be reckoned with."

"A wonderful idea sir! In that case, we should incorporate the new slogan as well," Scarlet said, nodding.

"Which one? The 'We Kill All the Competition' or "Shoplifters, Put It Back?" Reeve said, frowning slightly.

President ShinRa grinned. "Why, both! Obviously, people like the 'Put It Back' anti-shoplifting campaign, if they keep stealing the posters."

"Those might not rhyme very well..." Scarlet said doubtfully.

"Hmm," Reeve said, stroking his beard. "I have an idea, then..."

--

"It certainly is a bit...um..._orchestral_...for a jingle, I mean," Cloud asked, feeling a bit like his two days off hadn't been enough.

Zack shrugged. "Do I have to remind you of the anti-shoplifting posters?"

"...Right. So we have to play this over and over again all shift?" Cloud said, still blinking very slowly.

Zack nodded. "Yup. But don't worry too much. The first day is the worst, but eventually, you tune it out. Promise. I barely even notice it anymore."

"That's good, I guess." Cloud frowned as he listened, looking thoroughly puzzled. "Wait...Is that a chorus that just started singing, too? Why are they singing in Latin? Our new jingle is in _Latin_?"

Zack shook his head. "Don't ask _me_ how the guys in corporate think. I have no idea. But, hey," he said, grinning and gesturing with his thumb, "Seph seems to like it."

"...Um," Cloud said, eyes wide as Sephiroth, in perfect time with the music, whipped out his broom and slammed it down with almost dancer-like grace on a would-be shoplifter's hand as the guy tried to slip a candy bar into his pocket, a tiny, self-satisfied smile on Seph's face.

The man ran out screaming, and Cloud stared wide-eyed at Sephiroth, who did indeed seem to like the music. A lot. He kept that odd little smile on his face and really was moving in time with the thundering chorus chanting in Latin as he swept.

There was a long silence before Zack finally spoke. "...Payday is Friday."

"Payday is Friday," Cloud repeated, and vowed to "misplace" the newest shipment of Jenova Cakes until five minutes before his shift ended, because, well, they just didn't pay him enough to deal with this _and_ Seph on another sugar high. After all, he _still _had nightmares from the Jenova Cakes Incident.

"SHINRAMART!"

--

OMAKE:

"One-Stop Shopping"

Caedimus totam,

_We kill all_

Totam concurrentiam

_All the competition_

Caedimus totam,

_We kill all_

Totam concurrentiam

_All the competition_

ShinraMart!

ShinraMart!

Caedimus totam,

_We kill all_

Totam concurrentiam

_All the competition_

Caedimus totam,

_We kill all_

Totam concurrentiam

_All the competition_

ShinraMart!

ShinraMart!

Pro omnia

_For all_

Obsonia necessaria

_Your shopping needs_

Pro omnia

_For all_

Obsonia necessaria

_Your shopping needs_

Praedones, praedones

_Prosecuted, prosecuted _

Praedones convenientur

_Shoplifters will be prosecuted _

Praedones, praedones

_Prosecuted, prosecuted _

Praedones convenientur

_Shoplifters will be prosecuted_

Praedones, praedones (Haec repone!)

_Prosecuted, prosecuted (Put it back!)_

Praedones convenientur (Haec repone!)

_Shoplifters will be prosecuted (Put it back!)_

Praedones, praedones (Haec repone!)

_Prosecuted, prosecuted (Put it back!)_

Praedones convenientur (Haec repone!)

_Shoplifters will be prosecuted (Put it back!)_

ShinraMart!

Caedimus totam,

Totam concurrentiam,

Caedimus totam,

Totam concurrentiam,

ShinraMart!

ShinraMart!


End file.
